Outmanoeuvred. Outplayed. Out.

Germany 4 – England 1

I’m not going to offer a match report as there are plenty of these knocking around.  Neither am I going to provide an inquest as there are many a talented and knowledgeable football commentators more capable of this than myself.  I should also make clear that I think the Germans fully deserved their victory regardless of any decisions that went against England.  Given England’s own decision making during the match, I think there’s only so much that you can question the match officials.  However the game has left me with a long list of questions, which I would like to share.  If anyone can offer answers, then you’ve probably got a good chance of being the next England coach …

In no particular order …

– Why did no one want John Terry’s shirt at the end of the match?

– Was it an act of prophecy that the match was followed by “Antiques Roadshow” on BBC1?

– Who had a worse game – the England defense or the referee and linesman? (I suspect the England defence for conceding 4 goals they shouldn’t have while the referee failed to give 1 goal he should have given)

– Who has kidnapped the real Wayne Rooney?

– Why did Steven Gerrard think he was Roberto Carlos and kept wanting to smash the ball in with a 30 yard screamer?

– How come England only did marginally better than Australia against Germany? (They lost 4-0, we lost 4-1 … they only had 10 men for most of the game)

– Why didn’t the linesman go to Specsavers?

– Why couldn’t we have scored another goal against Slovenia thus topped the group and had a much easier route to the semi-finals? (where we would have been trounced by Brazil or Netherlands!)

– Was it deja vu or did we concede the same goal 4 times?

– Where did John Terry go?

– Why was Matthew Upson (West Ham, nearly relegated) our next choice central defender ahead of Michael Dawson (Tottenham, qualified for Champions League)?

– Given the above, why was Upson the only player who could score yesterday? (Excusing Mr Lampard, of course)

– Given the above why was Upson (West Ham, nearly relegated) so much better than John Terry (Chelsea, Champions)?

– How come the worst players at this World Cup are supposedly some of the best (Terry, Gerrard, Lampard, Rooney, Barry)?

– How come the goalkeeper (who we were all worried about before the World Cup began) turned out to be our best player?

– Did we even have a marking tactic?

– Why oh why oh why could we not have beaten USA or Algeria?

– How many of these players will (thankfully) have retired by 2014?

– Is there any chance we could kidnap the following German players and pass them off as the following England players?
Ozil (Lampard)
Mueller (Gerrard)
Schweinsteiger (Beckham)
Lahm (Phil Neville)
Klose (Peter Crouch – he might need some stilts)

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