The Choice is made! (Or not …)

Many of the debates during the 2005 Election campaign have been nasty, personal and plagued by spin.  I’ve found that there is just one escape from this (short of avoiding the whole thing) … and that is the Monster Raving Loony party Election Manifesto.  Back in 2001 their Manifesto had me chuckling for many a week through the campaign … Four years on and they’ve done it again.  For your entertainment and delight, here are just a few edited Highlights … Well, quite a lot, actually!  Enjoy …

“We pledge to fight the general election on an invisible platform so that people cannot see the floors in our policies.”

“Our team of experts has decided that Income Tax has not proved popular with the public and will therefore be abolished. It was started in order to finance the Napoleonic war in 1799 and we now believe that the time is right to announce the cessation of hostilities with Napoleon.”

“We will issue a 99p coin to save on change.”

“Rich people should be taxed to pay for the printing of money, as they use most of it.”

“Tax credits will be paid to nice people. There will be a ‘total bastard’ tax for everyone else.”

“Any cabinet minister found telling lies will be shot across the English Channel in a high velocity circus cannon to save time and first class travel expenses. Top British engineers will be employed to plot the correct trajectory. A European funded net will be set up strategically in front of the European parliament so that when the errant MP hits it, he or she will bounce through the second floor window where they will be handed champagne and canapé at a reception hosted by Leon Brittan and Peter Mandelson.”

“All future Deputy Prime Ministers will be required to be fluent in at least one language to encourage the education system.”

“Bright pupils will be provided with dimmer switches to prevent them distracting the rest of the class.”

“SATs will be abolished and replaced by Gordon Ramsey style cookery lessons and Rolf Harris art classes.”

“The number 13 will be abolished due to its longstanding unpopularity. The bus to Acton North will now not have a number on it but not much else will be affected. Therefore if you see a bus with no number on it, it will be going to Acton North. Please remember this for future reference.”

“All students will be awarded The Louis Pasteur degree for the scientific research into the growth of mould.”

“We will replace the House of Lords with the House of Cards, to make it easier for the Government to deal with.”

“Government Whips will only be used if a politician has been really bad. Minor offences should receive the political slipper.”

“Pram lanes will be created in all shopping centres.”

“4 wheel drive vehicles will only be allowed to drive off road, therefore stopping mothers picking up their children from school in them when they only live 100 yards down the road. They will also be wrapped in bubble wrap to make them safer.”

“Drivers will be allowed to drive over roundabouts when there’s nothing about. This will make driving through Milton Keynes much more fun.”

“Any child found breaking the Auntie Social Order will be sent to their Uncles for a good clip around the ear.”

“All computers will carry a hazard warning sign saying ‘Please do NOT forget to open your window before you throw this computer out of it’.”

“All foxes will be issued with sheep’s clothing.”

“Half the grey squirrel population will be painted red in order to increase the red squirrel population.”

“Any politician wanting to start a war will be shipped off to the country in question with a bag of conkers. They can then conker the country themselves.”

“All footballers will be made to wear slippers to make the game more interesting.”

“To keep up with the present government we promise to introduce many policies that have not been thought through properly, purely for cheap votes.”

“In future the National Anthem will be ‘Bring Me Sunshine’ as sung by Morecambe and Wise. It is quicker, more tuneful and people know the words. On state occasions Prince Philip will juggle his spectacles up and down and say, “Hey!” before the whole of the The Royal family do the dance off at the end. If the music can not be found because it was left in the pub then it may be substituted by ‘The Hippo Song’ by Flanders and Swann.”

It’s just a shame that there’s no Monster Raving Loony party candidate standing in our constituency … just a veteran Labour MP with a whopping massive majority and an impeccably loyal voting record to President Blair and his stupid New Labour agenda.  Yes, that’s right … Objectivity has gone right out of the window.  At the moment I’m torn between voting Lib Dem (tactical), Green (ideological) and spoiling my Ballot paper (principle).  All together now … “Eanie meanie mynie mo …”


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